I admit, I felt green with envy. I wondered yet again how good it must feel if it were me. The beaming smiles conveyed a lot. They teemed with a deep sense of pride, fulfillment and relief. That unique academic regalia of tribal embroidery across their chests further amplifies the uniqueness and true triumph of the occasion.
It’s already been a year since I left UP. Well, I never really left because I still live in the same apartment near it, go there and visit my friends often, and jog around the campus at least once a week. It’s actually like I never left, haha.
******
All these months I’ve come to accept the reality of where I am now and of where I was before. Yes, I still miss it, I suppose that is normal. But I have a good grasp of things and I know this is where I deserve to be. But I guess last weekend was just that time of the year when all of my frustrations, regrets and insecurities would come flooding back in one big plunge, haha!
After a year, I actually thought I wouldn’t mind anymore. But as it turns out, I still do. Looking at my friends’ pictures was hard to bear. But I knew I just had to look, haha! Because as envious as I was at them and as miserable as I was with myself, I was really just as proud and happy for them. For this, I am definitely sure that I am not bitter. Because for me, being bitter would mean wishing the same sorry state I am in on them. But gazing at their happy pictures and mulling over how that sablay would look on me, all I could think of was how I wish I would also feel the same euphoric state they were in.
But I didn’t allow myself to wallow in the pain. It was only Friday, so I knew that with more graduation ceremonies to come in that weekend, those pictures on my Facebook live feed won’t let up. Haha! I knew it would definitely still hurt, but I also knew that I just have to ride the pain out because I knew it will soon be over. After all, it’s not like they will stop posting those pictures. It’s not like the world will stop being happy, just because I was sad.
*****
It's just like when we were kids, we'd clumsily fall on the ground while playing and we’d hurt ourselves. We thought the pain from the fall and the wound we got from it was unbearable so we wail our lungs out. But after an hour, when the embarrassment we felt when we fell in front of everyone wears off, we realize we're already okay. We'll be okay. The wound still hurts, yes. But we know that in a few days, it won't be anymore.
*****
So I did survive the emo weekend, haha! I actually had lots of fun by attending a couple of graduation parties. Looking back, I wonder what I was thinking that I started the weekend (which by the way coincided with the official start of my 3-week summer vacation) with such melancholy.
I was right – my happiness for my friends weighed more than all the negative vibes I allowed myself to feel. I wouldn’t have enjoyed much celebrating with them if it didn’t. I actually have at least three more graduation parties to attend in the next few weeks and I’m sure I will have as much fun.
And I know that when my own time comes, all of my good friends will celebrate with me.
It’s already been a year since I left UP. Well, I never really left because I still live in the same apartment near it, go there and visit my friends often, and jog around the campus at least once a week. It’s actually like I never left, haha.
******
All these months I’ve come to accept the reality of where I am now and of where I was before. Yes, I still miss it, I suppose that is normal. But I have a good grasp of things and I know this is where I deserve to be. But I guess last weekend was just that time of the year when all of my frustrations, regrets and insecurities would come flooding back in one big plunge, haha!
After a year, I actually thought I wouldn’t mind anymore. But as it turns out, I still do. Looking at my friends’ pictures was hard to bear. But I knew I just had to look, haha! Because as envious as I was at them and as miserable as I was with myself, I was really just as proud and happy for them. For this, I am definitely sure that I am not bitter. Because for me, being bitter would mean wishing the same sorry state I am in on them. But gazing at their happy pictures and mulling over how that sablay would look on me, all I could think of was how I wish I would also feel the same euphoric state they were in.
But I didn’t allow myself to wallow in the pain. It was only Friday, so I knew that with more graduation ceremonies to come in that weekend, those pictures on my Facebook live feed won’t let up. Haha! I knew it would definitely still hurt, but I also knew that I just have to ride the pain out because I knew it will soon be over. After all, it’s not like they will stop posting those pictures. It’s not like the world will stop being happy, just because I was sad.
*****
It's just like when we were kids, we'd clumsily fall on the ground while playing and we’d hurt ourselves. We thought the pain from the fall and the wound we got from it was unbearable so we wail our lungs out. But after an hour, when the embarrassment we felt when we fell in front of everyone wears off, we realize we're already okay. We'll be okay. The wound still hurts, yes. But we know that in a few days, it won't be anymore.
*****
So I did survive the emo weekend, haha! I actually had lots of fun by attending a couple of graduation parties. Looking back, I wonder what I was thinking that I started the weekend (which by the way coincided with the official start of my 3-week summer vacation) with such melancholy.
I was right – my happiness for my friends weighed more than all the negative vibes I allowed myself to feel. I wouldn’t have enjoyed much celebrating with them if it didn’t. I actually have at least three more graduation parties to attend in the next few weeks and I’m sure I will have as much fun.
And I know that when my own time comes, all of my good friends will celebrate with me.
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